Thursday, March 8, 2012


I'm tired.
And not just tired like oh I need a nap. 
I'm tired, tired.

This world can be exhausting at times.
I often wonder when we will decide to live peacefully together. 
The thought weighs heavy on my mind. It even makes me cry sometimes to think of all we've struggled with as a species, all we have fought against in a constant state of resistance, mostly against ourselves.
I often wonder when we will decide to live peacefully together. 

When connection and love will be the highest priority.
When our vulnerability and differences will be wildly celebrated.
When our need to be right will mean nothing compared to our need to be kind, to ourselves first and then each other.

I'm going to selfishly vent for a second, so you can't say I didn't warn you:

I'm tired. 

Tired of our poisoned food and water systems, tired of feeling like I have to care so much about money, tired of the incessant and circuitous thoughts, tired of the empathetic pains of the injustices and monstrosities of this world.

I'm tired.

Tired of there being lists (and of course like 17 whiteboards) of all of the ideas I wish to work on surrounding me, collecting cobwebs. I don't even have to do them all, but could I find the bravery to give my full attention to at least one?

It's exhausting and frustrating to live in a world that doesn't prepare us properly to live on purpose, to live in a way that makes us come alive.


That's about all of that I can take. Jesus. So yeah, I'm tired and I felt that and I expressed that. But I'm more solution-oriented than I am a complainer.

I'm not the only one who feels tired. Most of us do. So what am I going to do about it? Sit in the familiar discomfort or plunge forward into the unknown possibilities of something better?

My mom always told me I wasn't afraid of failure. Instead, it's success that I fear.

That always reminds me of a Marianne Williamson quote (read by Nelson Mandela):

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let out own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated form our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

I've always loved that quote.

Anyway, more than anything, I'm actually tired of being tired. So, I'm sure you'll be happy to hear that I'm gonna stop writing it now.

I was raised to complain as not to suppress but then to stand up, shut up and do something. And if I'd tried it 26,000 times already, I'd have to try it 26,001 today. In our house, every failure is considered hard work laid down that should be continually recognized as such.

I said earlier:

I often wonder when we will decide to live peacefully together, but it's in each of us to take the wheel and decide when we will live peacefully, authentically, and courageously with ourselves. 

We do it all inside first. That's the trick.

I want to jump off the cliff into the water below with war paint on my face and my eyes closed.

Right now, when I close my eyes and think of that image, I don't feel so tired anymore.

Time to wake up. Here's to 26,001.

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